Let's just get this straight right off the bat.
I do not want to be reading Captivating (for a second time) on a Thursday night, at almost ten.
I do not want to be blogging about reading Captivating either, just to clarify.
I also don't want to be at a club. Or at a church. Or even on my couch.
I WANT to be catching zzzz's.
And I know I shouldn't be this tired. I didn't overstuff myself on an early bird special from IHOP afterall.
I probably shouldn't be a tinge sad either. I'm happily, newly married to a wonderful man. I have a great family and friends and a great job and...
And I probably shouldn't feel so gosh darn shameful, either. I said "gosh darn." I drive the speed limit most days.
That makes me a decent human being right? Well it doesn't feel like it here lately.
This past week or so I have felt increasingly tired. And sad. And unshakably shameful, each of which is a real kick in the butt, but together can knock you clean out.
And I know it's those three things that have caused me to hit the hay earlier and earlier this week. And those combined with crappy mascara that have had all my friends asking "what's wrong?"
And now it's Thursday evening. Primetime is barely over. And I'm completely ready to pass out without any good explanation why...
Why I suddenly feel the need to konk out before most eigth graders' curfews have even kicked in... why (other than the massive zit on my temple) I suddenly feel like hiding my face in public... and why I feel like the weight of the world is crushing my shoulders.
All week long I've been trying to understand my own feelings. Wondering why on Monday I desperately wanted to call in sick, and why on Wednesday I hardly enjoyed the chick flick I'd spent a week looking forward to seeing.
Why I am eating chocolate like it's going out of style or I'm Forest Gump, and fighting tears every time my husband looks sweetly at me...
And then tonight, when I opened the book I didn't want to read (again) I got my answer.
"He saw that Fatima's eyes were filled with tears.
'You're crying?'
'I'm a woman of the desert,' she said, averting her face.
'But above all, I'm a woman.' "
- Paulo Coelho, excerpt from Captivating
I don't want to make women sound irrational, or crazy, or like the weaker of the sexes. But, my heart does resonate with those words. I must admit to you there are times I cry, not because I am in a desert, but simply because I am a woman.
Maybe simply because I'm human. But for tonight's purposes, I'll stick with woman troubles if you will - though not the kind you're used to seeing on awkward commercials.
No, I'm talking about the kind of troubles caused by "this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman."
That's what it boils down to really.
Not being good enough as a woman.
Without concrete reasoning why, this week has been filled with this almost unbearable sense of not just feeling like a failure as a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend... but a failure as a woman. A failure at being human basically.
How awful it has been to walk around with that kind of weight! And how weird, troubling, saddening, but also empowering it is to be reminded tonight that I'm not alone.
"Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough... But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive... too messy. The result is SHAME, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."
- Captivating, Stasi & John Eldredge (page 7)
Am I the only one that needed to read those words, just to realize I am not alone?
Though I can recall now how much hope I experienced reading this book the first time, tonight I have experienced such relief just getting that little reminder...
I am not alone.
And I am so thankful for that.
A few weeks ago a friend from church suggested we go through the book as a study. (If you'rea reading this friend, my answer is Yes, yes, yes.)
But for any other friends out there who don't have the book, don't want to read the book, read the book and hated it.... how I hope in this rambly, crazy, nonsensical string of words, you might also experience the relief in knowing you're not alone.
Because you're not.
You're not alone.
Whether you're going to bed tonight clutching a stuffed animal or a husband. Whether you've had a wonderful conversation today or no communication at all.
Whether you feel it or not, you are not alone. And there is comfort in that - I think.
Someday I'd really like to come back and write a novel of a post about Captivating. And the many other books that have helped shape me and challenge me along the way.
Someday I'd also like to come back and talk about how wonderful the last month has been. And how much I'm learning about life and love and Angry Birds and...
But for tonight I'll have to settle for this - which is such a small start - this introduction to what it is my heart most longs to say (and to hear).
You are not alone. You are not alone.
Love has been there all along.
