Life lately is going really great. In so many ways things are on the upswing.
I should be ecstatic.
Mikael recently landed a great new job. I’ve gotten to spend a lot more time with friends and family since both our cars are working now. (That’s a blessing not to be taken for granted.)
I’ve carved out time for working on several craft projects I’d been putting off for ages. And found a whole community of writers that seem like kindred spirits.
We’ve found a church home we love.
I’ve made dinner a few times with minimal supervision, and without cutting off a finger or setting the kitchen on fire. (Double score!)
Things are good, really good, and yet…
I can’t help but feel incredibly overwhelmed.
I don’t know why.
And I’m kind of mad about it, actually.
I mean, it couldn’t come at a worse time. Spring is here. Life is going well.
And yet… here I am.
Completely and utterly overwhelmed.
This may be the very definition of the word, so forgive me if it’s redundant, but…
It’s not one thing, it’s everything.
It all seems so overwhelming.
It’s not just work. Or just this. Or just that.
It’s everything, combined.
It’s too much.
And it's getting me down.
Like I said, I don’t have a clear culprit.
I can’t determine precisely why I feel this way.
But I think it has something to do with feeling, very suddenly, like a full-fledged adult.
It’s as if I went to bed one night a goofy twenty-something,
with plenty of time to figure stuff out,
and woke up with a fire under my butt, a new last name,
and a still unfiled IRS form (ughhh!).
And this isn’t baby fever I’m talking about.
This is an unexplainable, sudden urgency to live up to my potential.
Potential in the creative ideas I have, which I’ve tried to outrun, or give up, for most of my "adult" life…
Potential I see in the relationship I have with my husband, and in our future together…
Potential in our fridge…
There’s so much potential. And so relatively little time.
And when I start thinking about it all, I get awfully
(Think about the first time you logged into Pinterest! Lately I'm feeling that kind of overwhelmed.
Or the way your computer feels when you open one too many windows, and the "spinning wheel of death" appears. That kind of overwhelmed.)
Some days I just want to relive the carefree days I enjoyed in my youth.
I ache for simpler times, when so much of life seemed to take care of itself.
Before days were complicated by insurance forms and security deposits, and the struggle to remain professional while wearing pajama pants…
Before trying to merge two lives, and pursue or eradicate creative passions…
Lately I'm wondering if everyone else has stuff figured out by now,
or if they're just better at going through the motions.
This is not a rhetorical question.
Do you ever feel like a kid lost at the mall?
Part of my struggle lately has to do with what I do and
don’t share in this space.
Even now it feels weird to make a public confession of this sort.
Why bother? Who cares? And, isn’t this the sort of thing a good adult keeps to herself?
These are the kinds of questions I’ve been battling on a nearly daily basis.
And while I know I must be cautious about what I do and don’t share...
While I know some things are better worked out in private…
I’m also realizing I can’t spend my whole life shying away from things that scare me.
And this - writing - blogging - putting myself out there - it scares the poooop out of me.
But I'm realizing how important that is.
I'm realizing how much I need that.
For years the creative people I have most consistently admired have been those that are brave.
Some in fashion. Some in painting. Some in home design. Some as authors.
Some have swapped jobs a dozen times since I've been following them.
Some have transitioned into stay-at-home mothering.
Or launched their own lines.
What they all have in common, though, is that they are exceptionally brave.
They are people willing to forego a little pride, in order to spend their lives connecting with other human beings…
And they're connecting with their own innermost thoughts and their truest feelings in the process.
I really want to be one of those people someday. 'Cause I see the value in their courage.
Actually, I want to be one of those people everyday.
'Cause the world needs people that are willing to be brave.
Maybe, in a roundabout way, this post is me committing to do just that.
To write a little braver.
To share a little braver.
To live a little braver.
Nerdy as it is to end this post with something I must attribute to watching The Princess Diaries, it seems fitting to include the sage advice I learned watching it.
Only my Google search went slightly wrong, and instead of sharing the quote from the film, I'm gonna leave you with wise words from Nelson Mandela instead:
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read that.
Just like I can’t explain why I needed to write this.
I can only say I did need those things, like I need to grow up a bit more gracefully.
I need to stop beating myself up, and trust my instincts a little more.
It's time to take more chances, and show more courage.
I can't thank you enough, for making it to the end of another rambly post.
In fact, thank you precious precious friends, for making it to the end of so many rambly posts.
I truly hope this is only the beginning, of a brave journey we can embark on together.
A journey towards what is true and beautiful.
A journey towards that which makes courage necessary, worthwhile.
It'll be a journey of overcoming the overwhelmedness, in order to experience life fully.
It'll be scary, but it'll be good.
It'll be wonderfully good.