*Spoiler Alert: I really try to keep things fairly positive. I like to look on the brightside of life. And I definitely don't want to be one of those haters that just whines and rants about all that's wrong in the world.
But, even us optimists like to keep it real, and what you're about to read, well, it's as real as it gets. It's my honest review of my latest cinematic adventure. Please don't hate me for taking this opportunity to be a tiny bit of, well, a hater.*
First off, I think Jessie and I deserve an award, for making it through the entire Twilight movie without getting stoned (for laughing) or thrown out (for standing up and screaming "Are You Kidding Me?") at the ridiculousness that was witnessed tonight.
Yes, we went in for entertainment, and good-hearted mockery, but "WERE THEY KIDDING ME?"
Months of hype about that?
To put things into perspective, one of the first scenes in the movie involved Bella standing in her bedroom, looking angsty. Possibly because she was about to get married and move out of her father's house; that's at least a relatable scenario.
Sadly, the more likely options are that she was just slightly bummed about her upcoming honeymoon (during which she planned to cease being human). And most definitely because that's just how Kristen Stewart's face always looks. Let's be real.
But I bring up the scene not just to pick at the melancholy of it. I mention it because in her room there was a pretty cute painting of a dog.
And in my humble opinion that painting deserves an award... for the best thing about the film.
Not kidding. (I wish I was.)
The music. The effects. The acting. The wardrobe (I'm pretty sure they used an old figure skating costume as Bella's wedding dress). The sad waste of Anna Kendrick's genuine talents.
The fact I forgot to bet anyone how long it would take for Taylor Lautner's shirt to come off (about 4 minutes I'd say).
That's not to mention the traumatic scenes involving styrofoam and a straw filled with O-negative. Plus a certain glittery cat "man" eating a baby out of a tummy. (Hello nightmare material, and compelling birth control.)
It's impossible to pinpoint exactly just where this movie went wrong, but if I absolutely had to guess, I'd say sometime after the previews and before the credits!
But I'm sure I seem very, very judgmental. And that's not really a legacy I want to leave. So let me at least attempt to present some positives, here.
The couple next to Jessie, the one that spent the entire time making out, seemed to have a good time.
And I really enjoyed the Scooby Snacks (fruit snacks) I snuck in my coat pocket.
Also, a mom in the theater had the good sense to take her toddler out AFTER the incredibly awkward sex scenes. (They came back a few minutes later. :/)
Plus, there was one genuinely funny scene. At least, I think watching Ashley Greene "punch" a brood of CGI werewolves was meant to be a joke. Right?
If you are still reading this and wishing I'd stop complaining already... wondering why I spent $6 to see it in the first place... or DEEPLY offended 'cause either you find vampire movies distasteful OR you are a Twihard... well I'm sorry I offended you.
But for the rest of you - it's not too late. Save yourselves. And the $6 bucks.
Instead of wasting your time "Breaking Dawn" I highly recommend you check out an Oscar-worthy film (by comparison). It's called Footloose. You're welcome in advance.
OR, you could just watch this highly superior short film featuring a werewolf.
Have a great weekend friends.
Haha!!! I laughed so hard at this. Sadly, I was that person who spent the money for the movie and then Mike and I proceeded to laugh through the whole thing. Didn't make others around us happy!
Posted by: Jennifer McGovern | 11/23/2011 at 12:20 PM
Oh goodness that blog made me laugh so many times and made my roommate look confused at me so many times! :)
Posted by: Katie Belle Carl | 11/20/2011 at 08:08 PM