Five Minute Friday: Small

 

I am floating, weightless, in the Caribbean ocean.

I never dreamed I’d be here. I’m quite certain I’ll never be back in this exact spot.

 

The rocks are majestic. The water a perfect teal blue.

 

I am wonderfully small.

The weight of the world is lifted.

  

Time stops.

Eternity passes.

 

And I am here.

 

 

I am standing beside a lake, kicking rocks with my feet.

Looking for ones worth skipping. Looking for an escape, really.

 

I’m desperate for time to pause. To lock in this moment.

To keep life from moving forward.

To stay here, in this scene.

  

And for the tiniest portion of a second, while the smooth rock leaps across the surface of the water, it does.

The world stops.

 

For one beautiful moment it does exactly what I need it to.

It stops on its axis. 

The dizzying pace pauses.

 

I catch my breath. 

And still.

 

I am here.

 

 

I am crazed with emotion. Completely overwhelmed.

 

Directionless.

Scared.

Lost, in the worst kind of way.

 

 

So I drive the back roads, unsure where I’m going.

Till I find myself in a graveyard, completely empty in the waning afternoon light.

 

The slick, cold stones are my only company.

The wind is cold on my back, and billowing through the trees.

 

I’m standing at his tombstone, this guy, this boy I only barely knew.

 

Because he was young.

Because he was lost too soon.

 

Because I don’t understand.

And I long to.

But I don’t.

  

I want answers. 

I want the questions to go away.

 

I want. 

 

 

Death.

This great equalizer.

It's a shadowy presence all around me.

  

All this time I thought it was the thing I most feared.

But in this moment, I know it’s not. 

Here, surrounded by it, I see more clearly.

 

 

The thing I’ve been afraid of isn’t being gone some day.

Or being laid in the ground.

 

It’s not the darkness.

The ceasing.

 

 

The fear.

The ultimate one.

Is never really being here at all.

 

It’s missing all those moments when time stands still.

Missing the magic that life, in all its breaths, so generously offers.

 

 

The fear is rushing through, instead of enjoying.

It’s worrying right up to the end.

 

It’s feeling weighted down. Instead of weightless.

Too big, instead of blessedly small. 

 

 

I’m laying on my back. Hands open. 

Heart beat slowing.

 

Essential oil is placed on my head.

A beanbag over my eyes.

The world goes quiet.

My mind clears.

 

My breathing is calm.

I am light.

 

And I realize in this moment, that I don’t want to live forever.

I just want to live.

 

I don’t need infinity. 

Just more moments that feel timeless.

 

I need to float on the ocean.

I need to feel small.

 

I need to be here.

Present.

Awake.

As life unfolds around me.

 

I need to accept its invitation.

As it invites me in.

  

I need to be here.

And I am here.

 

 

I am here. 

I am here.

 

I.

Am. 

Here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cheated and used way more than 5 minutes, and I edited some too. 

Still I don't think I ever would have gotten these whirling thoughts out of my head had it not been for the freedom I find in Five Minute Friday.

Thanks ladies for the prompt, and for encouraging each of us to embrace our innermost truth.

 

 

Comments

[Paula]

And what you wrote is beautfiul. No matter how many minutes it took. And very meaningful as well. I am visiting from FMF.

[Cathy]

This was good. Thanks for writing it.

[Kimberly A Edwards]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing! Happy Friday!