Divine Imperfections

Awkward & Awesome: Top Ten: It Takes ALL Types

I know I'm early for the Awkward/Awesome party. But I really couldn't help myself. I've kept way too much awesomeness/awkwardness to myself lately. So here we go.

For added kicks this week I thought I'd let you guess what's what! ;)

1.) Today I received the compliment of my life. I didn't have the heart to tell the truck driver inside, who paid it to me ("You can tell she's a waitress by the way she's carrying those two hotdogs.") that I am not/never will be a waitress 'cause I lack both the grace and people skills.

But in case I had forgotten the fact myself, Mother Nature reminded me, Cassiopeia style.

That's code for my momentary confidence was shot to heck when I flashed an RV driver thanks to a billowy skirt and a really BIG burst of wind. (Allison, we've got to get to work on our app.)

Least I didn't drop a dog. We can all be thankful for that. Five second rule on a Subway car? Sure! But outside a gas station? Only if you're Britney Spears.

2.) Also today, a pipe got burst at work and the water was out for several hours. So as a coworker was leaving I asked playfully, "You gonna go home and use your water?" After an uncomfortably long, blank stare he said, "Maybe later."

And three even more awkward minutes later I found out the water had been back on for over an hour. Oops. I've discovered that comedy is really all about timing. And context. And my inability to get the timing right (and to remember punchlines) is precisely why I will never do stand up. That and 'cause I feel the need to cry when on stage in front of lots of/drunk people.

3.) I was recently asked to tell something interesting about myself. Interesting. I've never been so perplexed in my life.

I mean, I like to think myself an" interesting" person. But...

When you're first getting to know someone do you go with run-of-the-mill interesting? Something that would distinguish you from a crowd but couldn't potentially land you in the loony bin?

Or do you just go straight for broke and lay it all out there - ahem*I*have*an*Elmo*with*20orso*outfits for instance? This is a real question by the way. Anybody wanna weigh in here?

After much debate I went middle of the road, with a factoid that had proved a crowd hit (JK) at work last week.

I admitted that until about fifth grade I thought the "Slug Bug!" game required spotting actual slugs on the side of the road. Sad but true story. Interesting though, right?

Needless to say I was awful at it, and got really frustrated at my non-glasses wearing friend who would punch me aplenty in the back of her mom's station wagon on play dates after school. All while I stared deep into the grass along the roadside, hoping, praying to finally spot a stupid slug.

Come to think of it, this may be why we "lost touch." 

4.) I was recently introduced (by my favorite sister) to the phrase "LOVE PUPPY," which I'll just tell you, is GENIUS! Pure genius! Probably moreso in context, but nevertheless, this phrase really needs to catch on.

In case you need help...

Love Puppy: one pint-sized canine unit purchased/found/given to a couple in love,
frequently as a test run proceeding a human baby, a thing that likes to eat Kibble and shoes
and be spoiled by doting, affectionate "parents"

5.) On Monday, while several coworkers were prepping for a mission trip to Africa, I decided to confide in one of them my love of a not-so-popular song about the Beloved Continent.  (Thank you ACU Sing.)

Only, it was early and I hadn't had my coffee and it turns out we were thinking of two very different songs.

Right as I answered the work phone the one he was thinking of began to play - loudly - from his cell.

I fancy myself a professional, but you try keeping a straight face with the prelude to The Lion King playing loudly in the background. It's rough. Very rough.

6.) While we're talking work, today another coworker told me - with a very straight face - about the time he lost his favorite comb. FAVORITE COMB! I couldn't help myself. I just had to ask the burning questions you're all wondering.

What made it his favorite?

"The big teeth," he said. Still straight faced.

:)   In case I haven't said it...  I love my job!

7.) Something has died in my car. And I'm not sure what or where it is. But the hotter it gets the more obvious it is. It is a problem.

Something has also died in or near my office, but literally. It's not food gone bad like the car situation. It's an actual dead thing. I know this because a man with a "super sniffer" rounded the corner this afternoon and said, "I smell a dead rat."

Having spent last night watching half a season of The Closer on DVD I felt very certain a mob boss was going to fall from my ceiling at any moment. Only he didn't. Which means, I've got things to look forward to tomorrow.

8.) This leads me to a very good awkward... I have so been dying (no pun intended) to talk to my friends about shows that aired a month ago because I've finally watched them on HULU. Any takers on this?

I'm especially interested in the Castle finale? What the what?

9.) In Waco random people roll through parking lots like tumbleweeds. It's unsettling. And it's happened three times since I've been at McAlister's.

Kind of reminds me of cricket chirps. And this.

10.) As always, I have truly saved the best for last. TRULY!

Last Sunday morning my church group met at the park to enjoy the nice weather and for a change of scenery, and did we ever get it!

While packing our Bibles up our "pastor" (who hates the title, sorry Dave) noticed a group of youngish-mostly-shirtless men gathering nearby. With swords. And shields, naturally. Safety first.

Turns out... we stumbled upon what I can only hope assume is Waco's only weekly LARP session. It's held every Sunday afternoon at Lover's Leap, in case you're interested.

If you've seen Role Models then you already know that stands for Live Action Role Playing, which I have on very good authority is not nearly as cool as D&D.

But for those who don't know... LARPing is when middle-aged-men dress like pirates on a low budget renaissance film and fight each other with foam weaponry. In other words, it is A-MAZING!

I was thinking these "actors" would shy away from the camera. But I was very wrong.

As we drove off, right after church remember, a few of them posed for the pictures I was trying to sneak. 

You gotta love that. And I did.

I also loved when my "pastor's wife" (Hi Keri) turned and looked at me and said, "You're gonna blog this, right?"

I tried to tell her there was no way I could. But she gently encouraged me, "God will give you the words."

And I was glad she said that. And I hope He has. :) It's definitely a privilege to witness such greatness. A privilege but also a great responsibility.

 

It takes all types, they say. To raise a baby? To form a community? But mostly to make us appreciate those interesting things that make each of us unique.

Well, that make us "interesting." And awkward at times. But also totally awesome.  

Not a bad combination I'd say.

 

Happy almost Thursday! Here's to what makes you awkwardly, awesomely, interestingly YOU!

More Awkward: Careful What You Wish For

Oops. Thursday I literally (it's always worse when it's literally) said to a coworker, "It really hasn't been that awkward of a week. Bummer, I live for awkward. I LOVE awkward."

Well, ask and you shall receive. Wu wuhhhhh. (Anyone know how to add sound effects to posts?)

Situations like Thursday are precisely why a wise man once said, "Careful what you wish for."

I say wise, but I'm pretty sure it was Shaquille O'Neal's character in that crap genie movie. It was him or someone in the Bible maybe. But since Shaq Attack interrupted our Friday lunch break discussion of chick flicks by announcing his retirement, I vowed to find a way to embarrass him. (I'm sure he's crying right now).

[  Allow me if you will to just say this - why did he have to all but wink at the ESPN sportscasters? What a creeper. But then again, I never did like him. Probably 'cause I have always held this crazy belief that a professional NBA star should be able shoot free throws AND complete a sentence without drooling. I know, I know. Crazy me!

We set way too high of standards for our role models/billionaires/high school graduates these days. I really shouldn't be so hard on the guy/giant/dork. (This is sarcasm by the way. It's sometimes hard to pick up in "print.")   ]

I digress, though. That's a soap box for another day. For now I've gotta get back to my own awkwardness. It doesn't involve near winking, in case you were worried.

 

Thursday night, not an hour after telling my coworker that I'd skated through the week pretty awkward free, I proved myself way wrong.

I arrived at Laundry Love (not a way of saying how much I enjoy doing my laundry by the way. It's when the renegade church I've been attending meets at a laundromat and hands out quarters.) overdressed but otherwise feeling good. And while showing up with "Royal Crown" cola, which I discovered several people had never even heard of, was definitely a tip toe in the awkward direction, it was nothing like diving in head first during an introduction.

A "new guy" (who I had already met in passing once before) was trying to be nice and warmly introduce himself. So he held out his hand for a shake and said "I'm Josh."

Unfortunately, in my confusion over our (re)introduction and embarrassment over my soda choice (JK), I'm gonna blame this on my famished state, while shaking his hand instead of saying "Nice to meet you," I went with, "I'm Josh."

Like a parrot. Or an eight-year-old brother. Or... an idiot. I just repeated his name.

Good one!

There wasn't even time for a cricket chirping moment. The other people from my church, the ones who have been calling me "Jennifer" for about a month now, went straight into chuckles. While, I might add, I went into cheek flushing mode. And chuckles, but a significantly more awkward kind than the rest of the group.

It was like when you say "You too," to the hostess that says "Come again." Only worse. 'Cause I've never tried to steal a hostess' name before.

 

Anyways, after the laughter had died down, I at least got to appreciate the fact that I'd just witnessed/experienced a dream come true/miracle.

Like Shaq I said. Careful what you wish for.

Ah well. Yay awkwardness. Especially the big time, major league kind.

 

 

Hope your Sunday is the stuff of dreams. 

Awkward & Awesome: Love at First Letter

I have some truly AWESOME! news.

By now the five of you already know that I'm a huge dork fanatic when it comes to words. "Words are my life," as my alter ego once said. And basically they are.

So it's really quite unbelievable that it has taken me this long to jump onto a wagon that has been mesmerizing my friends and family members (and making them really lame dinner company) for over a year now.

But, the day has finally come, and I could not be happier. Even if I am unfashionably late to the party.

 

Hello Words with Friends. It's nice to meet you. My name is "Jenferder."

 

Seriously. Best. App. Ever! (Not counting the William Shatner one, of course.)

If you're really cool you should look me up, mostly so I won't have to keep playing with strangers. But also, so I won't have to check my phone so obsessively to see if it's "Your Move" yet. I really don't like waiting. Not for Words at least.

Now at this point I'm starting to feel uncannily similar to Sandra Bullock's not-so-lovable, crossword constructor character in "All About Steve" (which I give a D - to by the way). So... I'm gonna try to ease my way out of word territory. And as an added measure I will continue to resist the urge to wear ridiculous red pleather boots. Difficult but worth it.

 

I'll also proceed with some unrelated awesome stuff and awkwardness from this past week.

 

Awkward: Laying poolside, trying to read, while high schoolers make out in the pool. Especially since they were babysitting her little sister/daughter/their little sister (ewww) at the same time.

Awesome: Having fantastic tan lines to show off at work on Tuesday after a great Memorial Day weekend. (By awesome tan lines I mean both hooker-like halter straps around my neck AND a farmer's tan on my arms. Basically, I've been a farmer's ho this week, hence the need to spend lots more time poolside.)

Awkward: How the Bank of America security people must have felt watching me deposit my paycheck with only one hand. Not 'cause I had the other hand on the steering wheel, but because it was shoveling pizza into my mouth. Some people say multi-tasking actually makes us less effective, but I say why wouldn't I eat my dinner while doing a drive-thru deposit?

Awesome: "Bossypants." As a book. A nickname. And a lifestyle. And speaking of which... "running" a meeting with your coworkers - i.e. people who are on the exact same rung of the corporate ladder with you - is equally awesome. In addition to Tina Fey's wise leadership guidance, I chalk this one up to my rearranged office.

Apparently if you position comfy chairs towards your desk people will come. And if you frequently wear your hair in a bun they will take you seriously when you talk. AND, if you have a chalkboard/magnet board hanging above your desk with post-its, family photos, and an eye patch hanging from it, you can even get away with using a makeshift pointer to prove your points.

Basically, this afternoon, I totally got away with playing the grown-up version of school, which I'd like to think would make my teddy bears and Cabbage Patch Kids really proud if they could see me now. They were, afterall, my first pupils.

Awkward: Having your phone die in the middle of a riveting game of 20 Questions with a stranger... which I guess was my gateway into Words With Friends. I have to say... that game is a lot harder than I remembered (or that it looked like during the special features of "The Go Getter." Brother, can you back me up on this?).

Awesome: Being photographed while blogging. That is not awkward at all. Nope. I was born for the dim came-with-the-camera flash light. Bring it on Gwendolyn.

Awkward: When your fancy travel mug leaks on your lap and you have to walk around with sweet tea in an area more commonly reserved for other kinds of accidents.

Awesome: Planning Friday's pizza lunch on Tuesday. You gotta have goals, I always say.

Awkward: Knowing you won't be able to drive to said lunch because you still have a month's worth of recyclables (what some would call trash) floating under your passenger seat.

Awesome: Now that enough "time" has passed, I would just like to reiterate, it really has been love at first letter, today. Especially since my first set included an X... Ca-ching! 8 points. Watch out sister.

 

I wish I had more to share. But... I've gotta head to the laundromat now. It's where all the cool kids in Waco go on Thursday nights in case you were wondering. You know, the cool kids... the ones who get really excited to play "TAXES" and "WINCER."

Have a fabulous  wondrous  miraculous  astonishing prodigious Friday Eve. 

 

What Washington Must've Had In Mind

There have definitely been times in my life when I've thought, "Man, I wish I were a better liar." Or at the very least, "I really wish I were better at concealing the truth."

You know... just said nothing about the cherry tree at all, hoping no one would notice.

But I'm just not that kid. There's something deep in me that prohibits that kind of dishonesty, whether I like it or NOT.

If a cherry tree has fallen, it doesn't matter if I'm fault. It doesn't even matter how many other people can pretend it's alive and well. I'm gonna point it out. And probably in the most painfully awkward way possible.

In fact, I'll probably mumble it under my breath a half a dozen times until someone asks, "WHAT?" and I ultimately blurt something like, "TREE DOWN. I did it. I'm soooo sorry. I always hated cherries."

It's just who I am.

*This dog didn't smell like poo. 

Unless it's about something really important, like a surprise party or shielding a friend from the news that her haircut is AW-FUL, I'm not a secret keeper. I'm not a truth shielder.

If  you don't believe me just ask my mom about it, more specifically about the time I told her I had gotten a tattoo. Something I swore I wouldn't do until I was 45, but instead did a few months after getting it as a sign of my top secret independence.

I thought she might have seen it and so the next question she asked, which I think was something like, "Hey Jen, how are you today?" elicited a tear-filled (I imagine) confession. Which prompter her to begin immediate, fervent praying that I would not contract hepatitis C. (Thanks Mom. I think we're good.)

On second thought, though, let's not bring that up. I'm pretty sure she just stopped saying that one, so let's give her a much-deserved break.

Anyways, how 'bout the time not so long ago when I told my boss the world about throwing up brownies? Is there any better proof of my truth-serum like genetic makeup? I think not.

'Cause even when I know it would be more normal not to say it. When it would be beneficial to keep my ridiculous observation or embarrassing confession to myself, I just cannot seem to stop myself.

It's ridiculous. And frustrating. But, it's also what brings me here tonight. (And probably what led me to the second nerdiest* of hobbies - blogging - in the first place.) So forward we'll tread.

 

Believe it or not those random confessions aren't the reasons I bring up truthfulness tonight. NOPE. Tonight my utter candor is actually in the spirit of patriotism, hence the obscure Washington reference in case you were wondering.

That's right, to be perfectly honest, I don't have a clue when or why Memorial Day started.

I could go ahead and use this as an opportunity to talk about how maybe, just maybe, football teachers don't make the best US History teachers... but the simple fact is at 27-years-old and with almost constant access to Gore's practical invention, I think they're calling it "the Internet," the fault is mostly my own.

I mean, I know it has something to do with "troops, flag, America," that sorta thing. But other than that - insert crickets chirping - I got nothing.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll take some time to Google the matter after finishing this post.

But realistically, HONESTLY, I'm probably going to enjoy my red velvet cake bite and work on finishing another chapter of Tina Fey's genius memoir "Bossypants" instead.

And maybe that's the wrong choice, but I've always felt there's some saving grace in being completely (if stupidly and self-sabbotagingly honest). And it's in that foolish spirit I'll save the whole "what is Memorial Day thing?" until about this time next year. Or until one of you copies and pastes some Wikipedia in the comment section.

 

Shameless plug for Hastings. You're welcome brother.

There is yet another thing I am gonna admit to you, tonight, though. Something less patriotic and more practical.

(You can thank the caffeine and total heat exhaustion for this uncontrollable onslaught or randomness. And also throw in a thanks to Tina for giving me the false impression that people care about your true tales, which is less true when you're NOT a SNL alum, Emmy winner, or brilliant screen play writer. I digress...)

The exciting reveal is that this has been the BEST MEMORIAL DAY I can remember! Seriously! So awesome!!!

And I was tempted to leave it at that, truly I was.

But, in fairness, and Washington's honor, it's also the only one I remember.

I'm not sure why this holiday-I-don't-understand doesn't merit lots of ludicrous memories the way other events pre-marked on US calendars do, but for whatever reason I got nothing to compare this splendid day to. I seriously cannot recall a single other occasion.

Therefore, while I'd like to announce that this year wins by being fabulous, it's also winning by default.

So... you can make of that what you will.

 

The practical part of this testament, though, is that you can pretty much chalk any day spent near water up as a success... the rare exception, of course, is water seeping through your roof, particularly when it's from your neighbor's toilet (POO WATER, I believe, is the technical term). Holiday or not, scrubbing stink is not a winning way to spend a day.

But, pretty much all the other kinds: river water, lake water (preferably void of used syringes, sorry Lake Lavon), French water, mountain springs, that bottled water Jen Aniston (we're on a first nickname basis) peddles, coastal water, Water Boy... all good in my book.

And, speaking of, the one thing better than water on its own is... well, it's water with ice, if we're talking 'bout drinking it. But the correct answer, when talking about laying out seaside/river-side, is water and a book. Which I'm happy to report is precisely how I spent this splendid day.

And "Bossypants" was a perfect choice for some leisurely browsing whilest BAKING besides the Brazos River.

Why? 'Cause Tina Fey, like me, enjoys telling it like it is. She just happens to benefit from having much better true stories to tell. Which is one of the reasons it's possible to both LOVE and HATE someone all at the same time.

 

While I wish I could tie this all together a bit neater, I've only got 22 minutes of internet left, so for now this messy - wow am I sunburnt - recap for the day will have to do.

Yes, it has been completely pointless. But I hope you've enjoyed this little trip down Truthful Avenue nonetheless. (And in case you plan on visiting soon, or dropping off your cheating boyfriend/wretched child there soon, you can find Truthful Ave. just south of Memory Lane. It's the road with brighter street lights and abrasively blunt traffic signs!)

Just in case you haven't enjoyed this mess of musings - and/or you're just not a fan of the truth in general - I thought I'd throw in some less honest tunes to tickle your ears and fancies. (Scroll down.)

Happy super-important-America-rules holiday. And in all seriousness, for those of you that might be in a huff about it (like, say, the CIA agents paid to pour through the more politically-bent Typepad accounts for instance) I truly am grateful to live in this great nation... the land of the free, and the brave, and the $5 lattes.

We are eerily blessed, I tell ya. And that's something I don't want to take for granted. Like ballpark franks and the ability to speak my "mind," I will never get over how proud I am to be an American.

     

  

  

  

 

Extra TRUTHS:

    *I do realize anyone can do a topical search of Youtube, but including eclectic song mixes in my posts makes me feel really cultured, diverse. And I like it. (After years of listening exclusively to contemporary Christian it is refreshing to refer to songs not written by Wayne Watson, okay?! Let me have this. Thanks.)

One of the reasons Why I should've stuck with softball.

    *Today I bought sunflower seeds and I wasn't playing third grade softball, OR trying to stay awake while driving home from college. And YES, I did spit some onto my shirt sleeve while laying out. What of it? I'm a catch, I tell ya. At least that's what I told myself while eyeing the slobbery seed casings taking up residence on my tee.

    *Michael Jackson is dead, may he rest in peace. BUT, that doesn't mean I can't talk about how creepy he IS/WAS while people watch "This Is It." I simply refuse to live in a world where it's wrong to say a grown man getting a nose job to look like an anime character is NOT okay. (This website may have gone a BIT too far, but it boasts compelling evidence. Just sayin'. If you need the visuals, please, check it out.)

    *It's hard to ruin a day off work, but an excellent way to try is to put a person in  a scenic locale, with a great book, and the soothing sound of waves crashing nearby... and then plop a dog that likes rolling around in poo right by her. Wet canine + fesces baking in the Texas heat = WOW! "Maybe I should have gone in to the office for a few hours..." I'm kidding of course, but only barely. A stench like that is hard to ignore/recover from.

    *I've been reading with one eye shut a LOT lately, and I don't know if this means I'm slowly going blind in one eye or if I really want to be a pirate. I could tell you what I HOPE is the case, but I don't know if my apartment allows parrots, so this is one secret I am gonna sit on for a while.  :)

 

Awkward but AWESOME: Are you too good for your home edition?

It's no secret I've spent quite a bit of my time on the road recently. It's not that I'm too good for my new home, it's just that I've been swamped. Not journeying any place exotic per say (unless Lubbock counts). But traveling to see old friends, and to have some fun, and frankly, because I like to throw money down a little hole in the side of my car. Who doesn't? "Good times" I say.

Anyways, all this journeying has kept me away from the blog a bit more than I'm used to, but it's also given me plenty of Awkward & Awesome ammunition.

And now that I'm fully loaded I'm ready to aim and fire. Watch out!

Some random road trip inspired memories from the last little bit.

 

LBK

 

Awkward: Making pit stops what seems like every 5 minutes because you (and your dad) have what your mother mockingly lovingly dubs "the baby bladder."

Awesome: Discovering Bliss in a bottle. Though flavors aren't listed ANYWHERE on the fancy, ergonomic plastic beauties, I can tell you this one is basically Fresca, but fancier. And totally worth the $3 it costs, though I think it's more about positive thinking and self-fulfilling prophecy than Neuro's ability to discover and incapsulate the key to happiness.

Awkward: Watching collegeish boys clean their house for a concert, only to discover an empty Valentine candy box under one of the eight couches in the living room. This was about seven feet away from the lopsided Christmas tree I might add. On May 14. (I LOVE you brother!)

Awesome: Getting to hear your once mute-like sibling rock out for a packed house, literally. And doing so beside two very proud parents.

 

SIX FLAGS

Awkward: Listening to a man talk loudly and repeatedly about burning the new Texas Giant down... seconds before boarding the new Texas Giant.

Awesome: The new Texas Giant. All the hype about it being taller, faster and smoother. Totally true. Just keep your mouth closed on the last few turns. Trust me on this.

Awkward: When people make out in the snapshots taken on rides. Don't they know there are kids around?

More Awkward: Looking like an idiot in every snapshot taken on the rides. What can I say? I have a hard time saying "cheese" when the skin on my face is blowing backwards and all my energy is focused on not wetting my pants.

Awkward: Realizing what used to be the easygoing bobsled ride is now the most painful attraction at Six Flags. And learning this while screaming in pain the entire ride, surrounded by people who keep looking at you to see if you're literally dying. (Which I didn't, but the strawberries on my leg look very similar to the sort of post-mortum bruising they like to shoot close-ups of on CSI. I want to go on record as saying "Ow. And also, don't ride this.")

Awesome: $6 hotdogs. Priceless really, in my humble opinion.

Awkward: Seeing and smelling sideways floating Coy while waiting in line to ride Superman. Nothing lifts the spirits quite like the slow stench of fish death.

Awesome: After a long, gruesome day of walking and waiting, feasting on both an omelette and pancakes. I'm a Waffle House girl at heart, but IHOP, your unlimited french vanilla coffee and garden crepes are definitely wearing me down.

 Home UnSweet Home

Awkward: Returning to your apartment and discovering a disgusting smell (worse than dead Coy). Assuming it's your two dirty dishes, so leaving it be overnight. (You're exhausted from all that waiting in line, remember.)

Way MORE AWKWARD: Waking up to discover it is actually unclean water from the apartment above you. Apparently, the neighbors' toilet overflowed while you were gone, and seeped everything in your bathroom, including what used to be a cute teal rug (and is now trash).  

You have not really lived until you've scrubbed every inch of your restroom in hopes of ridding it of the smell of someone else's (let's pray) pee.

Gotta love apartment living, at least that is what I keep telling myself while avoiding my bathroom. 

 

MOUNTASIA

Awesome: Getting to visit a friend on her birthday. Especially since that friend's idea of a good time is Put Put.

Awkward: Being the idiot that gets a miniature golf injury.

Quick tip: always trim one's nails before being playing sports. Of any kind. Ever.

Awesome: When someone orders a round of soapapillas. 

Awkward: Trying to get to sleep after eating a ten pound quesadilla at 9 o'clock at night. And chips, queso, and a soapapilla.

 

WACO

Awesome: After breezing through morning traffic through DFW, stopping for a pick-me-up at Starbucks and being greeted by a straw-hat-wearing, cow toting hick man. One that asks you to pull forward to get the barista's attention, then asks, with a Southern twang, if he can please "Water the livestock." (Yes! This is Waco.)

Awkward: Pulling forward for your latte and discovering the manager heard, "Water the livestock" instead. Which totally explains the uncomfortable radio silence, and also totally makes me miss Princeton.

 

Awesome: All-you-can-eat pizza buffets complete with dessert pizzas and coworker friends (in that order). :)

Awkward: Attempting to work after Attempting to stay conscious after eating enough to feed a lot of livestock.

 

And that, friends, pretty much catches you up on where I've been. I can't tell you how badly I miss posting pictures, but I've still got some stuff to work out with my defunct iPhoto.

In the meantime, please let this absolutely wonderful traveling song tide you over. The videos is nothing special, I assure you, but this song always makes me smile! 

 

Feliz Friday Eve!

An Awkward, Awesome, and just a little bit Awful Up, Up, UPDATE

I am lazy. And out of blogging shape. So here's what I'll do. I'll list things for you.

And since I missed last week's Awkward & Awesome Thursday I'll overuse those alliterative adjectives. Sound like a deal? 

* If you compliment someone's balloons, sometimes. SOMETIMES. They will give you the balloons. And this is Awesome.

* It's even more Awesome when the balloons develop personalities... even if you soon find out one of those personalities includes a super, creepy stalker side.

* Everyone at Baylor runs. But next to no one at Baylor runs with good form. And this is Awkward for people such as myself that have to try not to stare when passing them from the comfort of cars.

* Meeting the nicest baristo ever, at my favoritest coffee shop. Awesome!

* Being sold a red velvet cake bite. Even more Awesome.

* Returning to Zumba after a two week hiatus and discovering a new instructor and an even more predominant senior adult presence...  Awkward.

* When people think the office is empty so they start singing VERY loudly... even more Awkward.

* Brushing your brow with appreciation it wasn't you, this time... Awesome.

* Purchasing a vacuum, and an iron in one week... Awfully Grown-up.

* Realizing you haven't ironed since a friend taught you how five years ago... and wondering how many times you've worn that perpetually wrinkly jean jacket since then... Awkward.

* Getting a message that you've got a new Twitter follower... Awesome.

* Finding out he references Bedazzlers... So. Much. More. Awesome.

* Being $50 away from paying off a credit card. AWESOME!

* Being 50 years (or more) away from paying off student loans... AWFUL!

* Feeling like Will Ferrell in last week's episode of The Office... juggling a million ridiculous balls so poorly I may soon end up in the hospital... Awkward.

* Also Awful... aready missing Michael so much it almost hurts to hear the NBC ding.

* Knowing I'm only a few long months away from cable. And a roommate to help pay for it. And to bake with. And ... Awesome.

 

Well, that's all I've got for now. Hopefully I'll be back sooner rather than later. Lame as it is I miss this. Miss you.

Happy Monday's almost over folks.

 

Awkwardish & Exhausting: My Psychic Detective Adventure

Truth be told, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it really hasn't been that awkward of a day/week.

It's been overwhelming, and exhausting and at times very nearly awful, but not all that awkward... at least not by my standards.

 

The bulk of my week has involved one nasty little word mulitplied by approximately 2 million. What's the evil word?

Paper.

Why is it my life always boils down to paper?

Papers really. I.e. hundreds (which seem like thousands) of them, all student papers that I have the "pleasure" of grading. Yay me!

And while I'm fairly certain it's impossible to drown in paper - spaghetti maybe, jello definitely, but not paper - it has felt much differently this week. Eyeing printout after printout of "homework" (what a lie that I'd someday outgrow it) I have stopped just short of kicking my legs, as if treading water, each afternoon at my desk.

But enough about my work life. Never mind the fact it currently consists of MOST of my life...

Let's talk about fun stuff.

Like...

How exotic the views are at the local Starbucks. To my right I've got David's Bridal and a Sprint Store. To the left are a Radio Shack and Vitamin Shoppe vying for my attention. Oh, and directly in front of me, are some amicable but VERY drunk (or just ridiculously uncoordinated) people trying to make it to their car.

I think I'll play it safe and wait a bit before I leave. The amaretto cream here is apparently stronger than most.

 

Anyways... it seems this  is going to be a rambly kind of post. One in which I shed cyber tears over how long it's been since me and Typepad had a night to ourselves... a night to chronicle my recent Psychotic adventure (i.e. me trying to make it through two seasons in a week - on school nights no less)... and the recent developments in the crazy neighbor chaos (it's good too!). How I've longed to tell you all (hello Eddie) about my grownup adventure of purchasing a vacuum, and my recent visit to a NEW yogurt shop.

I just can't seem to get enough of a handle on life, right now, to make time for typing.

More accurately, I can't stay out of the kitchen and awake long enough to get back to writing.

And that is a sad revelation, to see how little it takes to set me back... to get me off track... to 'cause me to completely lose my focu

 

Did I mention I dressed up as Inspector Gadget today? 'Cause I did. While trying to catch some no-good rotten cheaters I decided it was absolutely necessary (and/or thought it'd be a lot of fun) to add the "get-up." 

I couldn't bid high enough to score my own Go-Go-Gadget Arms off Ebay BUT I did rustle up a trench, glasses and sweet 'stache. Nice right?

At least I think that's what my boss was thinking when she walked in and made it three whole minutes without saying a word about my unexpected, and alright, AWKWARD, ensemble. Finally, after her straight-faced non-reaction I asked, "Is it hard to take me seriously dressed like this?"

"YES! Very," she said, which I took as a testament to her professionalism. Also, I think it's a hopeful sign that while I may have completely lost my mind this week, I have at least maintained some semblance of job security.

I guess rounding up someone willing to dive head first into a giant vat of grammatical errors is as difficult as it sounds... so again I say, YAY ME! (For the record, and any coworkers that may stumble upon this now that we're Facebook friends... I LOVE my job. :) Just not-so-much this week.)

 

I miss you. You people I used to talk to frequently. People I could call up after a long day, and say "Hey friend. Wanna go see that really lame-looking chick flick?"

People that weren't phased by my requests for caffeine delivery, and people that would totally understand my new, obscure pineapple references. People that would innately understand that when it comes to grammar folks should do as I "say" and not as I "do." 'Cause fragmented sentences totally work in a blog... but totally DON'T in collegiate work. Ya know? People that would forgive me that everything in my life now comes to talk of spelling, punctuation, Capitalization and other uber exciting things.

I do hope you're well though... that this tiny, ridiculous, rambling thing will find you some place happy on this Friday eve.

 You know, some place with fanciful scenery. Did I mention there's a dumpster too? Now you're jealous... so jealous.

 

*Awesome Soundtrack for Today:

*Tenth Avenue North's "Healing Begins" (playing softly as I drove to work, on time today - wooo woo!)

*Whitney Houston's "I Want to Dance With Somebody" (played at El Chico, our lunch destination)

*Coworker's "Yet Untitled Rap About Camp" (rehearsed today)

*Random Person's "No Diggity" (played loudly as a not-so-subtle sign that Starbucks is now closed)

*Will Smith's "Summertime" a.k.a. "Random I Can't Believe They're Playing This" (a less subtle sign that it's seriously time to leave)

Bad math, birthdays and awkwardness like a cherry on top

Could I have planned this any better? To have my birthday fall on a Thursday I mean?

The answer to that is, of course, NO! I could not have. (Also you needed to read that as Chandler, to really appreciate it, but you already knew that. Right? Good!)

What's so great about Thursday you ask? Well, company lunches for one. (Thank you West Coast.) And Bible study/dinner for two. 

And for three... there's something Awkward & Awesome about Thursdays, don't you think? And I can't think of better adjectives for a successful birthday.

 

Sooooo.... on that note, the Awkward transition one, I'm on the down hill side of 30, officially.

Yes, 26 is actually past the halfway point. But if you're bad at math (like I am) you can get away with rounding down, I think. 

At 20 SEVEN, though, not soooo much. The jig is up, whatever that means. (Is it a puzzle reference? Wow I am old.)

 

I mean, I guess super technically I've got 2 hours and 1 minute of my delusional youth left.... but seeing as how I'm spending that time surrounded by college students who are blowing off steam during finals week I think it's safe to say the transition has already happened. Quite possibly a very long time ago. Which reminds me, when did music get so stinkin' LOUD?!  (JK, but only kind of.)

 

Well, it's been a good couple of days actually, some might even call 'em Awesome.

Partly 'cause yesterday I learned a juicy tip from my new hairdresser, a wonderful woman named Kanetzo. (Don't people in Waco have the most fabulous names??) NO, it wasn't the secret of taming flyaways. Bummer.

But, according to the second coolest lady I "know" (can't forget my Zumba instructor) ... the one who was fixing my hair during a black out yesterday... at a certain point women are allowed to start aging backwards. Who knew?

That's right... we can Benjamin Button ourselves. Or Jack 2: Back to Baby things as my brother might say.

However you say it, I have it on good authority (licensed authority) that I am 25 now. And forever.

Not bad, right?

 

But then again... what was so great about 25? Not a lot that I can remember. (Old person joke, get it?)

 

And that has me thinkin'... maybe, just maybe, the biggest gift I've received this birthday isn't my stalker print of my sister (long story :) ), or the CD I just bought myself (paid for in quarters),  or even the head-sized brownie compliments of On the Border...

Maybe the best thing I could receive/realize this year is that I'd honestly rather keep moving forward than try to backtrack. While this is bad news for my calves (is that the muscle running backwards works?) it's great news for the rest of me - namely my heart - which had gotten kinda weary from all my rearview looking. A heart that seems pretty content with the idea of putting the gear back in drive.

Yea, I know that moving forward probably means grey hairs (or more of them in my case) and a lot of wrinkle lines I imagine.

It may also mean going to bed at 9 o'clock (wahhh wah) and avoiding places crowded with overly caffeinated teens.

But... I think it could also be filled with a lot of blessings. I mean, there has to be a reason people coined the phrase "aging gracefully" right? It can't just be a term reserved for non-botoxed celebrities, can it?

Surely it applies to anyone willing to embrace their extra years with a radiating inner joy... an irrepressible hope that the best is yet to come?

 

Well that's what I'm telling myself anyways. (Talking to oneself? A bad sign?) If you know this to be untrue, please don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss... at least when it comes to aging.

 

Cups more wisdom. And bowls full of more grace. A pinch more sensibility. Pints more discipline... those are the things I'm wishing for on my imaginary birthday candles tonight. (I guess it's hard to float tiny flames in the tops of lattes.)

And maybe, just maybe, I'm also wishing for the medical miracle a friend proposed to me via text today.

 

Calorie free cupcakes! A girl can dream right?

Well dream I shall. I'll dream of a tomorrow that's even brighter than today. A tomorrow with just as much fun, but maybe a tiny less refried goodness.

 

I read recently that how we spend our days is how we spend our lives. And if that's the case I gotta say the next 30 years are looking pretty up.

Thank you everyone that contributed to today being a  truly Happy Birthday.

It so beyond exceeded my expectations, and I'm not just saying that 'cause I decided to set the bar pretty low this year.

I really am blessed, because you all are blessings. Thank you. Gracias. In other words, you rock!

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- But wait, there's more - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - -  - - 

I hate to rob you/me of the traditional Thursday madness. So here's just a hint more Awkward/Awesome for ya. Bullet-style for your reading convenience.

Awkward: Wanting to say "you too" when people wish you "happy birthday." It's the same kind of awkward I feel whenever the waiter says "come back and see us," and I respond, "you too." That happens often, I must say.

Awesome: When a coworker offers you a piece of watermelon gum as an impromptu birthday present. Especially when it's so warm you know it's been sat on all morning. :) LOL I've called it awesome and I'm sticking with it, even if hot, fruity gum did creep my mouth out quite a bit.

Awkward: Getting threatened with a lawsuit. On your birthday. Because some people really don't want to be taught how to spell (or to capitalize BIBLE!).

Awesome: Spending $7 to walk away with one fabulous shirt, a.k.a. the On the Border employee uniform. See above for details.

Awkward: Getting to work and realizing that darling skirt you rescued from Target's clearance rack is about 8 scary inches shorter than you realized. Oops. Good thing I didn't need to perform the "bend and snap" today.

Awesome: Seeing that you got a dang scratch in your "cute" nerd glasses... but it reminding you that Harry Potter is coming out soon!!! Yay!

Awkward & Awesome: Receiving a 100th birthday card and another with ducks. Awesome 'cause they were oddly hilarious. Awkward 'cause the latter of the two served as an excuse for people to start a rumor that the intern smells like ducks. (Sorry intern. If it makes you feel better, I'd venture to guess you smell more like old flannel shirts than stale bread. Also, you should feel good I never get close enough to smell you - that'd be beyond awkward.)

 
From my sister to me to you... think of it as cute please. Not creeeppy! 

 

Feliz Cinco de Mayo amigos. In other words, happy today.

Thanks for making it special. Thanks for making it count!

 

Awkward... a little early

Okay, sometimes I have to either stretch the truth a teeny bit or REALLY embarrass myself to get a good list of AWKWARDNESS going for Thursday.

But this week... awkwardness has literally been following me hardcore. Like a stalker.

A tall, terrifying stalker that likes carrots and chocolate eggs. Oh, and apparently playing peek-a-boo with the terrified girl across the hall (me!).

I know I'm early for the Awkward & Awesome fest, but I figure having a six-foot-tall Easter bunny stop by hop by your office several times a day goes so way beyond AWKWARD that it merits its own post.

I also think it might merit running outside to get away from the rabid beast before you start crying... but if I said that for sure we'd be right back to embarrassing. Sooo...

 

 

 

 

I
I

hope your week is going Awesomely, and completely void of nightmarish-like monsters who threaten to show up outside your residence.

 

Happy early Easter everyone. And happy early VERY AWKWARD & Awesome too .

 

*Anyone else thinking the term "Awkward Turtle" was a total misnomer?

A month's worth of awkward

Confession: I've been big time holding out on you all. BIG TIME!

I've got lots of awkwardness tucked away. Why? 'Cause I was waiting for the pink to leave my cheeks (the embarrassment to fade) and the scar to form (where gushing blood once was) before foolishly bravely telling the world about my recent snafus.

This blog will be a little short on the Awesome, but hopefully the laughs at my expense will make up for it.

And now... here's a quick recap, of the last horribly AWKWARD (even by my standards) month.

 

*FIRST: My Janet Jackson moment.

A couple of Fridays ago I decided to get all brave and finally wear the green skirt you've heard so much about... you know the one I dyed for several days. The one that "killed my sink." The one several of you asked about, but for reasons that will soon become clear will probably not be seeing anytime soon.

Well, feeling creative, I decided to wear my long greenish skirt as a "dress." Genius right? I belted it. I've seen it a million times on blogs... must be fool-proof right?

Wrong. SO WRONG!

CATastrophe # one occurred when I got to work feeling overly confident and cute (always a recipe for disaster) and saw my skirt in good lighting.

There under the fluorescents I discovered that what had seemed a vivid green "dress" in my dimly lit apartment, was actually only kinda sorta green. In other words, I was stuck at work wearing a big hunk of cloth that looked less intentionally dyed and more like a cat had peed on it (and the cat wasn't well... JOSH, that's for you).

It was hardly the smashing debut I had dreamed up for my DIY creation, but it was no big foul either. YET!

Sometime between the time it took me to shout "ORANGE JUICE" at a passing waitress - that was the last item on my "I spy" item on the kids menu at IHOP, where we celebrated Flapjack Friday - and the time we got back to work, though, there was a total "wardrobe malfunction," and I'm not using that term loosely (pun intended).

Unbenounced to me that malfunction resulted in total boob exposure (or more accurately padded bra exposure). Something I didn't notice until several minutes into a very awkward car ride back to the office.

I survived the incident, but only about as well as sorry Ms. Jackson. And only 'cause I spent the rest of the day avoiding eye contact with the two male coworkers who had been with me at the time.

As a testament to how truly horrified I was, it took me hours to even confess my slip up (: /) to my compassionate female comrade. And weeks to tell you here in the safety of cyberland.

It was bad people. Very bad.

And I'm not exaggerating - for once.

 

Anyways, that was my fiasco, all  BEFORE five. If you can believe it, it actually got worse.

That was the day I met my trainer for the first time, not counting the day when he introduced himself. (His name is Baba by the way, just like the song, as a coworker pointed out). After having my body fat measured I was all about having a healthy meal. And if you're me - meaning you can't cook - this involves resisting the urge to drive through Mickey D's, and instead opening some cans and then heating their contents. Only this time I never made it to step two of this incredibly difficult process.

When the Coke-like tab broke on my can of red kidney beans, a voice inside me said to stop and CUT my losses. When the can opener completed the circle and the lid still wasn't loose a much louder voice also said STOP.

But when I started jabbing away with a cheap metal spoon and a heckofalotta pent up crazy, most everything inside me screamed "STOP IT YOU PSYCHO."

Did I listen, though? NOPE.

I chose instead to follow the direction of the tiny, but feistier part of me that said, "I'mma gonna have red beans for dinner (that one's for you Jessie)!!!"

And so I did not step away from the can like a good sane person. I slumped away from it instead.

Eventually the inevitable happened; blood started gushing from my right ring finer. And by gushing I mean dripping, but profusely. Not enough to soak through the Ikea dish towel I grabbed to sop it up, but enough to freak me out.

 

And also, apparently, enough to cause the following.

I did what I always do when trouble strikes, which is NOT check MD but call my Dad - the Doctor. And while on the phone with him, trying to determine if I needed stitches, I started feeling woozy. But like really woozy.

When I woke up I heard my Mom's voice saying "Jen, Jen, the phone's cutting out."

But when I opened my eyes to stare directly at my kitchen mat, I realized. Nope Mom. That wasn't the phone cutting out. That was me.

That was me, being a total wuss, blacking out after trying to open a can of red beans. (Is that ironic?)

 

And that wasn't fun. Definitely not the way I had planned on spending my Friday night.

But, I survived. And, I looked for the silver lining... which in this case, came in the form of a really darling cupcake bandaid, complete with a cherry on top. (Thanks Santa!) Oh, and also a really, really, really sound night's sleep.

And I'm happy to report that about a week later I conquered that fear... I opened another can. This time successfully. (I learned my lesson, no more tab tops for me.)

I'm even more pleased to report that, aside from the time this week when I walked smack dab into a door frame (a few feet away from my boss I might add... it created a loud thud)... the time I leaned against the counter while washing my hands at the gym and had to walk out looking like I had peed/sweat my pants.... and most recently the time when loud baaahing noises started blaring from my computer at a popular college hangout coffee shop... that pretty much sums the awkwardness of the last few weeks.

 

Now we can happily move on to the awesomeness. Please keep in mind I warned you it's short comparatively. Nevertheless here are a couple of highlights; you know, to tide us over 'til I manage to go a whole month without making a complete fool of myself. AS IF!

 

I found $1 sunglasses at HEB (a grocery store, one where you get carded buying grape juice). And, my sister comforted me via text that they don't make me look like a dead ringer for our brother. (Isn't it funny how even when you know someone's lying, it can still be nice to hear what you want. My brother's a handsome man, by the way. It's just that, I would rather not look like a man - aviators or not.)

I discovered that if you ask someone to double the "vanilla" in your latte and pay a little extra, they'll do it! Who knew?

I also discovered that the last few drips of above latte spilled two very important inches away from my laptop. Whew!

Honing my proofreading skills has finally proved good for something (other than making me want to kick my own nerdy butt)... I'm pretty sure I was the only person to realize how FANTASTIC this photo show is really gonna be. Photography for a good cause AND time travel... I mean really! Sign me up.

It took three months, but my closet is finally tasting looking like the rainbow. And I refuse to admit just how ecstatically happy this makes me. Anyone else want Lucky Charms all of a sudden, though? And Skittles? And a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich?

Last but decidedly not least, a very sophisticated nine-year-old told me tonight that she likes my photography and that I always dress like I could be in a magazine. You simply CANNOT pay for a compliment like that friends. (But if you could, and I did, that I definitely wouldn't tell you. ;) )

Seriously though. I think the magazine she's referencing is an American Girl catalogue, and she's basing her photography assessment on my ability to take a few snapshots of  pretty much the cutest kid ever - with cake all over his face no less. It's not exactly a challenge to make that look good.

BUT STILL... it pretty much made my month to hear her say something so sweet.

Then again, speaking of sweet, the mound of dump cake I ate before this confession wasn't shabby either. (By the way, Dad, that one's for you. Tehe.)

 

Now... I'd really like to hear what's making your month, the good, bad and awkwardly ugly? Or, the awesomely sweet as the case may be.

I mean, I showed you mine - almost literally - now it's your turn.

Seriously guys... how awkward/awesome has March/April been for you?